After all this I still went with Steve to America in the summer of -87. He was not staying another day in Sweden with all the pain he had experienced. He didn't more than land there and lost it again and entered into another episode. It looked very different but came from the same root. This time he was the only perfect man on earth…in a very deep delusion but he was a master at covering it up when needed. I took off and left the perfect man in California and the kids came with me. We returned but had no place to go and that seemed to be a pattern. I had to start over yet again. As I managed that Steve was on his way back. He collapsed in the bed right away and stayed that way for two looooong years. That is depression at it's most destructive. He only ate once a day at night (cheap to keep, no mess) and slept at least 23 hours a day. For a long time I sang this song- "I am terrified of tomorrow for I have seen yesterday and I hate today" instead of the poem by W A White "I am not afraid of tomorrow for I have seen yesterday and I love today" This had to end but I could not figure out how- murder was out of the question and I would not kill myself. (I had kids to raise) Finally Steve left for the States again. He was not able to travel but with friends help, we managed to get him on the plane where he had to lie down and then he was picked up by his mom. He soon ended up in the hospital in America. It was a Christian program he was able to take advantage of and stay for free for a few weeks. The cost was supposed to be over $4000. It was there the light started to shine a bit after much darkness. A Messianic rabbi came to his rescue and took Steve under his wing. He nursed him back to health in many ways and encouraged me to come and try again with Steve I now had divorced. The only way to get child support was to get divorced and at the time Steve was far from a husband.

With the rabbi's help we tried again but it was very hard. Steve was far from well and I was very sick with constant infections etc. We were two sick puppies eating from the same bowl. Somehow we struggled for a few years and then returned to Israel. We were given the tickets form the Israeli agency as a returning family and they picked Aug 18^th for us to return. We had many problems and put our kids through a lot of poverty but they were shining stars excelling in school and becoming true Israelis in no time. Whenever it seemed like maybe now things are calming down, it all got much worse. The next episode took place in Jerusalem -97. As with all the episodes most of the horror happened before the breakdown. Steve was really crazy again several months before he broke down. He went to Germany to play at a conference and refused to come back home after the planned five days stay. He didn't sleep for weeks and hardly ate and razed around hours on end. He stayed in Talbie hospital for six weeks and gradually very slowly got better as he was released. Now all his episodes have been introduced but the worst was yet to come. I could not imagine anything worse but I had a lot to suffer yet… One thing I had overcome by this time was my restored health. A few years back I had spoken to a prophetic lady and she had told me "Sure, you will be well, in one year.'' I had asked her if I will ever experience health and I had decided if the answer was no I would have to end this life as it was just not possible to continue. I waited the whole year and was worse that ever for 365 days. Yom Hatsmaout- Israeli Independence day March -94 I woke up and felt well!! I have not had any infections since and not taken any more antibiotics and the CFI is long gone! A real miracle and lifesaver! It took me years to accept it and I was expecting to get sick again. Now I am very grateful, not one day passes without me thanking God for health, yes, even numerous times a day!

Let's return to the time with Steve and life with his illness. He acted very concerned for people by praying for them but he wasn't able to be real and have a true connection to people. Often he seemed so brilliant and charming and it always made me look like the bad guy. We had constant fights we both picked about anything as we lived under too much pressure.

I often felt hate in my heart towards Steve and wished him dead on a daily basis. I felt hopeless and very sad all the time.

As we divorced and the utter hopelessness of the marriage sank in I felt very let down. I felt so disappointed in every area and I doubted God very much. I had no faith at all and could not understand why the Lord did not intervene, why He did not heal either of us and why he did not seem to care. I thought of death a lot and really didn't see life as anything to bother with. I felt I had done more than my fair share and the payoff was total devastation.

Many times I opened my heart to Steve and he used it against me. It crushed my spirit and I never had trust in him. We both had more fears than we could deal with and it made our reunion two years later a very difficult one. We had to learn ways to heal, to forgive, to give daily sacrifices of praise and let love reign. In an absurd way the very adversity- in this case the illnesses- we suffered so much from helped and still are helping us to heal. The overwhelming feeling of despair became very familiar and I had felt rejected by God and it seemed to me like it did to Job, how can God reward me this way when I serve Him with all of my being? I have not done anything to cause this. My children were suffering unfairly unable to feel safe. It was too much.

The last episode that led to hospitalization was in the summer of -97. Steve had been hyper for a few weeks and as he finally got to the hospital he had a fit and tried to attack me to strangle me. He was pulled of by a big male nurse and carried like a kitten by his neck to his room where he stayed for five weeks. During his stay he faked taking his medication and got worse all the time. Finally he got a shot but it was a severe overdose and he banged his head into the wall in such despair that I had to cry for a long time. Nevertheless it was the beginning of taking his medications faithfully. He had some struggles to find the right dosage but it worked out. Steve found a new friend in the hospital and this guy had the looks, he was stunning. If you had met him on the street you would find him irresistible. He greeted me every day with a big hug and he often said ''Steve is a gift. He is a gift to you." The children had much compassion and love for Steve and actually they still do. It's the work of the Lord, as it's displayed in their lives. Our family doctor was very supportive and he told Steve: "your illness is like needing glasses, as you accept it, it becomes a part of you and it improves your sight!" Steve had many different medications at this time and started looking for a doctor to help him find the right one. He found it and we went together to a very professional helpful man. He talked to both of us and asked me if I understand that Steve loves me. I had this look that said, of course he does not. The doctor pointed out that if something happened to me Steve would be right at my side. He immediately got Steve on the right medicine (depakote, depelept) and the right dosage. It improved matters drastically. He said: "We have seen many versions of Steve but not the real one; will the real Steve Schneider please stand up?" We kept coming to the very expensive sessions and we had very low income but people started giving us money and we had more than before! It was a provision of the Lord. The doctor told us over and over to do our best to make it nice for each other and above all LISTEN to each other. As Billy Graham says the biggest enemy to marriage is selfishness and we had a lot to fight against. The doctor also met with us as a family together and he informed the children about the situation. He told them that their father has a serious illness but he is a kind fellow and gifted in music and cooking. He wasn't able to work as he was too sick and now your mom has lived under pressure for so long she loses it easily. You need to help her; she is a good person to stand by your dad. He then told us to do something for our children: "love each other.'' He promised better days ahead .He did warn me that my reactions to Steve would be magnified by the echoes of the past and not reactions to the present reality. Things calmed down and we were returning to normal lives and doing well, or so we thought, but the greatest battle was still right ahead, right around the corner!!

Steve's medication was too low. He was going to the free clinic and I knew something was wrong and even told them but nothing was done. Slowly it was not worth anything. He said he was not ill, never had been and didn’t need any help. He got very hyper and manic yet again and ran to meetings where he acted strange. On a Tuesday morning February 1999, he went to see his doctor and as I thought he was doing his regular routine stuff, he instead went to the bank took out all the money he was able to and bought a ticket for London and took a bus to the airport and left that same day! I got home and saw that his stuff was gone and thought I would die! How could this happen again? I called everyone I could think of and no one knew where he could be. I had no idea if he was dead or alive for over five days. The first night my heart was beating so hard I thought I would actually not be able to breathe. I also had serious chest pains. When he finally called Saturday he was very manic and saying all the old things I could not stand hearing anymore. He said he was never going to return but after two weeks his host had had enough and they sent him back "home". We could not talk and I still don't know how we found our way to this Messianic psychologist but there we were. This helpful guy said right away, "Steve can you accept you have an illness you have to deal with, if not, let's go home and not waste anymore time." To our surprise Steve got it, the light went off and he was able to accept the truth. We have gone forward from that very moment on and Steve has taken the right dosage and been able to function from that time until today. (2006) I now remember this episode as my worst because I had learned to hope again. I had my horrible nightmares back again, but at my very lowest I received this verse from several people and from the Lord on the same day. It is II Cron 20:17 and it still comforts and helps me. The battle belongs to the Lord and I belong to Him!! I have to forgive daily and many times the same person. I also felt like I had to forgive the Lord for not protecting me. Now, I can say all the pain I have endured has helped make me become who I am today. I don’t mind myself now actually I enjoy and like myself quite a bit. I want to end with an experience I had as we were doing better. We were on one of our ministry trips and Steve and I got into a big fight. I ran out of the car and was on my way to the supermarket as I needed the toilet. On my way I was complaining to myself saying "can't take any more of this, it's not worth dealing with this relationship. Well, at least I have my children, my friends, my family and my sound mind." Suddenly I was stopped by the Lord and something blocked me on my way. I had to stop and the Lord said" You have it all wrong!

Steve is your greatest blessing!" Indeed, he is.