Now back to our romance. We were very much in love to start with. I am grateful for that as we needed all the help we could get to stay together. Right away we both suffered from serious illness. We know what Steve has and I had CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). The main symptoms are extreme exhaustion, depression, infections, confusion, plain pain, aches and worst of all you are afraid that you made it all up!! I had a decade to doubt it!!

In spite of our weaknesses, we established a deep friendship from the very beginning and it has taken us through hell and back several times and it's still there!!! Steve was and is very romantic fellow and he makes me feel special.

From the very beginning I had a serious problem that I didn't listen to my body. If I was tired I still kept going. It made things much worse as I started to feel bitter.

We had a lovely wedding in Sweden and many of my family and friends were there. We were given some money instead of gifts and we were very excited!! I could not understand that Steve had an illness and I had no way of figuring him out. The day after our wedding we went to town to have some fun. To have some fun might include an ice-cream but definitely not spending any money. For some reason unknown to me to this very day Steve got me to spend our wedding gift money on a base-guitar at the local music store. I was in a mild state of shock, one of many to come. I wanted badly to submit and trust my husband, being deprived of that was one of the greatest pain I suffered. No one I can recall had anything to say about the purchase though I am sure they all had many thoughts.

Actually, that guitar was not sold and never used. It was under our bed for over a year. Most of that time we hardly had food but we did own a very expensive guitar!! Finally it was sold for the same price as we got it.  Another tragic situation of loss and pain was that as we returned, Steve was fired from the hotel. It created a deep wound of disappointment that we have had to deal with ever since. For whatever reason maybe illness, maybe time and chance but Steve has all his life been struggling to find places to play piano. Considering how brilliant he is on the piano, I find it very sad.

I thought of leaving my so called marriage at all times but still I stayed and suffered on. Steve had three great attributes I enjoyed, his exceptional piano playing (mostly unpaid) his love for cooking and his warmth. We loved each other and we even laughed now and then. We prayed together very often and we longed to serve the Lord with everything!! We still do.

Steve came to Israel to make aliya March 1976. I came to a kibbutz in June -1981.Right away someone gave me a verse to take to heart. It was from Ezekiel 47:22 I could easily see myself as an Israeli and with Israeli children of my own. Now in Steve's defense with all the pain he represented together we have two great Israeli, now grown, children. I rejoiced as my prayer in the Wall was answered in the Psalms 87:6 ''this one was born in Zion. ''

Now to add to the pain Steve started to hear voices very early on. It was a new pattern we would have to deal with for many years to come. His voices made it crystal clear that he was to move to Sweden. I was against it and hated the idea but again as with the base guitar somehow I found myself packing and leaving Jerusalem. We left Aug 18 -84 and returned back to live there in Aug 18-94. For exactly ten years I cried for Zion.

Within a year in Sweden Steve was in the mental hospital where he stayed for nine weeks. The three preceding months were much harder to endure than the actual time in the hospital. Not getting anything of what was going on we went through real madness!! I want to first introduce you to the illness. It's a mood disorder and a neurobiological brain disorder involving extremes in mood. It's very distressing for the ill person but also very hard on the care-takers. It usually begins in adolescence and continues throughout life. Often it is undiagnosed and many suffer needlessly for years and even decades. Effective treatments are available and usually prevent devastating complications such as divorce, job loss, drugs, alcohol abuse and suicide. With medications and therapy, the chances for a normal functioning life are great!! Steve had a long way to go but finally got there. I will line out his history with difficult episodes.

The first one happened in -68. He was in the hospital for three months and received many different very wrong heavy medications. The second time five years later was at the time of his conversion and he only stayed a few weeks. The following year he was back for another evaluation but was released right away. Not until twelve years later was he back, in -86 and in another continent- now Sweden. The year of -86 was a very difficult one and Steve was very ill but we didn't know what he was going through and he was actually extremely manic for many months. If you know about it, you usually seek help earlier. Many strange things happened during this time and the pain and weird manifestations were very scary. He was hospitalized for nine weeks. The head doctor was not a kind man and he didn’t like Steve one bit. He told me as long as I have Steve in my life he will always create misery and the sooner I could lock him up, throw away the key and move on the better off I would be. Steve had many comforts there with great food and a clean private room and many nice workers. He lived it up, he escaped a few times and had to be picked up even by a private helicopter in another city .

Most of the time he refused to talk to me and acted like he doesn't know me. He also talked about divorcing me and saying farewell the few times he would see me. I could not hold down any food at this time and lost too much weight. I looked very unwell which I was for a long time. Steve had many different doctors but no one gave him what he needed. Again he got all kinds of poisonous stuff he later suffered side effects from for years to come. As he was finally released but far from well he went back to the same place the next year. At that time he was gnawing his teeth so bad that the pillow was covered with blood. Four of his teeth were misplaced and the doctor that received him had this to say: "this is too sad and very unusual this man is punishing himself for being ill. Poor soul, it's not his fault"

To add to the pain many people would come over and pray against Steve's evil spirits often called pride. I don't know who they think they are to add that heavy burden on such a sick man!! Much evil is being done in the name of the Lord so learn to discern, ignore and forgive- DAILY!! I had to contend with Steve accusing me of being all the things people told Steve he was. Not an easy thing. Steve always got many people to pray for him and he did bring some of this on himself! Some of these people refused to believe that such an anointed man could be mentally sick and they freely told me it was all in my head and I should not talk bad against my husband and make up lies like that. In Steve's mind he was a bad person and he took offense any time he had an opportunity. He told all my friends and family how very evil I was and how many serious problems I had. Personally I could not pray, read the Word or listen to sermons. I had enough by trying to breath! I never felt healthy. I suffered very much feeling sick in my body and always in pain. We did the right things to stay healthy but it didn't help. We ate healthy and exercised. We even had cheap memberships to a local swimming pool. To illustrate how this illness can affect you in your mind I want to tell about Steve's times in the pool. The pool was great and very modern. Steve is a good swimmer but he would get to the water and suddenly fear drowning. He would then proceed to the children's pool and move around on all four and smile to the kids. He then ventured out to the sauna and out of fear that he would actually burn to death he would be running out within seconds. His fear was real and he thought he would not live through the day; this went on for many months. He had strange sounds coming out of him and he scared us daily for many years! Personally I feared I would never experience physical health again! Even more real was my fear of going to sleep. If I fell asleep I would have the most horrendous nightmares. I was murdered in all kinds of bloody ways and I woke up screaming and exhausted all the time. At the most painful situations I had grave difficulty breathing. Now, that is not a nice place to be. On top of all this we felt since we had prayed God either had healed Steve  or we didn't have enough faith. We opted for the latter. Life or this illness is not cured but managed. We have learned a lot about managing life! A great key is giving thanks especially in tough times and never take offense but to forgive!!